Elliott's Humor Page

Years ago, when e-mail was new and people were not so overloaded with spam, people used to send jokes by e-mail.  I was advisor to the economics club, and I thought students would use the website I created if I put jokes on there for them.  Every joke that made me laugh wound up on the website, and most are still there.  However, I am no longer their advisor nor their webmaster, so I have also put the jokes here -- so they are not deleted accidentally, and so I can add to them if I ever hear anything funny again.  Here a links to the sections:

Jokes


HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. 
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered..
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
 
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started..... 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
 
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
 
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the fight started...

M
y wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......

 A
fter retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” She then processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.” And then the fight started...
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
 
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, “'I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?” That's how the fight started.


What do economists do all day?  Check out this link (uses Macromedia Flash) from Andy Foulds and Company:  http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/economists.htm


Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."


Have you noticed that some people look like their dogs?
 

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.  After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY...
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING KIDS:
  1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
  3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
  4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
  5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
  7. Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.
Effective Policing:
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm  rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"







HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL (Thanks to Frances Rogers)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head  firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans; drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and mild soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing.  Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with an elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on  hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road.  Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.  Be
rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from hell" and call localpet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap pill in bacon.

2. Toss in the air.


News Item:  At London's Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.  Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement.  He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.


Who's on first.... in the 21st Century
Abbott: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: No, the name is Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Abbott: Mac?
Costello: I told you, my name is Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Does it get stuffy?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
Abbott: Wallpaper.
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Abbott: Software that runs on Windows?
Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: For my office?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Abbott: Office.
Costello: Yes, for my office.
Abbott: Office for Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in "office for windows?"
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
Costello: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
Abbott: RealOne.
Costello: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
Abbott: RealOne.
Costello: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Abbott: RealOne.
Costello: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue 1.
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue 1.
Costello: Is that different from the blue W?
Abbott: Of course it is.. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
Costello: And that word is the real one?
Abbott: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office. Costello: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: No, not really.. It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: Money comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Exactly. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
Abbott: Just one copy.
Costello: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
Abbott: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
Costello: Microsoft can license you to make money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it.
Costello: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Abbott: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
Costello: Well, what do you sell in its place?
Abbott: Money.
Costello: You sell money?
Abbott: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
Costello: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Abbott: Simply Accounting.
Costello: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
Abbott: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
Costello: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Abbott: Mind Your Own Business.
Costello: I beg your pardon?
Abbott: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Costello: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
Abbott: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
Costello: More money?
Abbott: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
Costello: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
Abbott: GoBack.
Costello: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
Abbott: GoBack.
Costello: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
Abbott: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
Costello: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Abbott: Word.
Costello: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
Abbott: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
Abbott: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well.  Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?






The Vet:

A lady came home to find her beloved parrot on its back, motionless.

She quickly took it to the vet. The vet looked at the bird and pronounced it dead.

The lady begged the vet to do something. So he went into his back room and brought out a Labrador Retriever. The dog smelled the parrot and sat down at the vet's feet.  "The dog says the parrot is dead," the vet said.

The lady begged some more, so the vet brought out a cat. The cat sniffed the parrot and walked away. "The cat says the parrot is dead," the vet said.

The lady gave in and asked how much she owed. The vet said $225.

The lady complained that seemed awfully high to be told her parrot was dead. The vet agreed and said that telling her the parrot was dead was $25. "But," he said, "the Lab Report and Cat Scan are $100 apiece."

Here is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving or Christmas Turkey.  :)
1.  Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil carefully (see attached)
3.  Roast according to your own recipes and serve.
4.  Watch your guests' faces. 
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the leadership changes in China.
George: Great. Sum it up for me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.  Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
U.S. TALK SHOW HOST COMEDIANS COMMENT ON THE WAR
 "War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'"  Jay Leno

 "Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."  Jon Stewart

 "According to the New York Times, Saddam Hussein has mined all his oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he's got bombs in the military installations, in the airports, and he's mined all the government buildings. There's not much left for us to do, really." Jay Leno

"Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance that President Bush will confuse it with Iran." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." Craig Kilborn

"President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed." Jay Leno

"President Bush found out something this week. Between the countries of Camaroon, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola plays the best music when they put you on hold." Craig Kilborn

"As you all know we've just finished March Madness. That's NCAA college basketball tournament when they start with 64 teams and you whittle them down to just one, you know .. kind of like our allies." Jay Leno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." Jay Leno

"Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into their country and Saddam Hussein said 'You can do that?'" Jay Leno

"A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to drop 
books on them?'" Jay Leno

"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the weekend. So, I took her down the street to the local Texaco." Jay Leno

"Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language."  Jay Leno

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We
can't even get this in Florida." Jay Leno

"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." David Letterman

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education ... anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda ... and it's for Iraq.  Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the United Nations Security Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only furthered his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the field of PowerPoint." Jay Leno

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein?  Well, because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS French !, people!!" Conan O'Brien

"This week the state of Texas executed its third prison inmate. In fact, they don't even have a last meal anymore, now it's a buffet." Jay Leno

"I read today that the president was interrupted 73 times by applause and 75 times by really big words." Jay Leno

"This week officials from France, Russia and Germany accused President Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a spokesman for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond of 
it.'".  Conan O'Brien

"If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your Hands" 

If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq. 
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq. 
If the terrorists are Saudi 
And the bank takes back your Audi 
And the TV shows are bawdy, 
Bomb Iraq. 

If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq. 
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin' 
We don't care, and we're not jokin'. 
That Saddam will soon be croakin', 
Bomb Iraq. 

Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq. 
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq. 
So to hell with the inspections; 
Let's look tough for the elections, 
Close your mind and take directions, 
Bomb Iraq. 

While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq. 
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq. 
If the ozone hole is growing, 
Some things we prefer not knowing. 
(Though our ignorance is showing), 
Bomb Iraq. 

So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq, 
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq. 
Saying no would look like treason. 
It's the Hussein hunting season. 
Even if we have no reason, 
Bomb Iraq. 

At the opening plenary session of the WSSD in Johannesburg recently, delegations were asked: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The subsequent debate ended in a deadlock, because... 
- The Africans did not know what "food" meant. 

- The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage" meant. 

- The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion" meant. 

- Delegates from the Middle East did not know what "solution" meant. 

- The South Americans did not know what "please" meant. 

- The Asians did not know what "honest" meant. 

and... 
- The United States did not know what "the rest of the world" meant. 
What is marketing?? 
  1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Direct Marketing. 
  2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.  One of your friends approaches her, points at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." - That's Advertising.
  3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Telemarketing. 
  4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink.  You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
  5. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." - That's Brand Recognition!


A Missed Swing:

A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break a window on any of those gorgeous homes, it'll cost us a fortune to repair!" 

Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" 

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" 

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind." "But what about you, honey?" "You know
I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into the wife's eyes. "How old are you and your husband"? "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. 

"No way! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?" 



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Alabama Professional Engineering Exam

1.  Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2.  Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 

A. 1966 Ford Fairlane: 
B. 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle: 
C. 1964 Pontiac GTO
3.  If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4.  A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?

5.  If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6.  A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7.  A man owns a house south of Poteau and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8.  A 2-ton coal truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.  The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the chances that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?

9.  A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country western singer?

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. 

The Russians used a pencil.

The Word?
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.  He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. 

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.  In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. 

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." 

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. 

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. 

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" 

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate."

I KNOW you've heard some of these before...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting small children or adults acting like children. 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

Three Sisters
Three sisters - aged 92, 94, and 96 - live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, "Was I going up or coming down the stairs?"

The 92-year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells up, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door"

THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS
Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back in.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him ... The moral:  When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to piss on the electric fence for themselves.

Jury duty
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. 

At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!" 


Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. 

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best." 

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool." 

THE AXIS PANDEMIC 

International reaction to Bush's "Axis of Evil" declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable. 

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. 

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them. 


Inside every older person is a younger person - wondering what the hell happened. 
-- Cora Harvey Armstrong (via Anthony Chang)
 



Economics Humor
A man takes a balloon ride at a local country fair.  A fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave the fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside.  The man has no idea where he is, so he goes down to about 20 feet above the ground.  He asks a passing stranger, "excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I am?"

Eyeing the man in the balloon, the passerby says, "You are in a big, red balloon, 20 feet above the ground."

The balloon's unhappy occupant replies, "You must be an economist."

"How could you possibly know that?" asks the passerby.

"Because your answer is technically correct, but absolutely useless, and the fact is, I'm still lost!"

"Then you must be in management", said the passerby.

"That's right!  How did you know?" asked the balloonist.

"You have such a good view from where you are and yet you don't know where you are and you don't know where you are going.  The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now your problem is somehow my fault!"

Check out JokEc, a huge compilation of humor about economics!  Here are some of their jokes:

Here are some famous quotes about economists.



Definitions of Economic Systems that even an economist can understand...
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. The lord of the manor lets you keep some of the milk.

IDEAL SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

SOCIALISM, BUREAUCRATIC VERSION: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government pays you, but won't let you buy milk or eggs with your money unless you have ration coupons.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, makes you take care of them, sells you the milk, and shoots you if you don't cooperate.

IDEAL COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

THE MAOIST VERSION: You have two cows. The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them "voluntarily" to make meat for workers in the city. Then the government decides that people don't need cows to make milk. Quoting the correct phrases from your little red book, you and your neighbors try to create milk from sheer willpower. Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all expectations. Your neighbors starve.

THE CAMBODIAN VERSION: You have two cows. The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he shoots you.

AUTOCRACY: You have two cows. The government lets you keep them, but drafts you and your cows starve.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them, takes both cows, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

IDEAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

MONOPOLY CAPITALISM: You have two cows, and try to buy a bull. However, a bull would cost you two cows, and the only conglomerate buying milk charges you to do so.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

More versions of this were contributed by Joe D'Avila:

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful, so you vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the  tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you're not sure because you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a siesta.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.



THE TRUTH ABOUT INVESTMENT
STOCK:  A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it.  It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND:  What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER:  The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions.  Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR:  What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL:  What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN:  Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION:  A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own.  Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir?  Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION:  The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

YAK:  What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.



A new set of definitions for the market  Some important financial terms that were redefined in 2001.
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the Market keeps crashing.

Broker -What my broker has made me.

"B'Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and  cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Alan Greenspan - God

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan




Relatively Recent Jokes

REDNECK HAIKU

(As you may already know, Haiku has 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.)
DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin
BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps
REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
DEPRIVED
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability
BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No night crawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order
HATRED
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
That damn Jeff Gordon
OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart
DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'clock
NO SIGNAL
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

Them Flies

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.  "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

The trooper angrily asked, "Are you calling me a horse's rear?"

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."



IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN, BECAUSE......
  1. Your last name stays put.
  2. The garage is all yours.
  3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
  4. Chocolate is just another snack.
  5. You can be president.
  6. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
  7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
  8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
  9. The world is your urinal.
  10. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
  11. Same work... more pay.
  12. Wrinkles add character.
  13. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental  $100.
  14. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
  15. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
  16. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
  17. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you  with: "So, notice anything different?"
  18. One mood, ALL the damn time.
  19. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
  20. You know stuff about tanks.
  21. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
  22. You can open all your own jars.
  23. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
  24. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
  25. You can kill your own food.
  26. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
  27. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
  28. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
  29. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
  30. Everything on your face stays its original color.
  31. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
  32. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
  33. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
  34. The fact that you hate someone, doesn't preclude you from having great sex with them.
  35. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
  36. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
  37. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
  38. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
  39. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
  40. You almost never have strap problems in public.
  41. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
  42. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
  43. You don't have to shave below your neck.
  44. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
  45. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
  46. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
  47. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
  48. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.


Broom Love
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.  One  broom was, of course, the bride broom.  The other was the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.  The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.  The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE!," said the groom broom.  "WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!



Charity towards all
A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.  The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the charity office's caller mumbled, "Um...no."

"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken caller began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated caller, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

The lawyer cut him off once again: "--and if I don't give them a penny, why should I give any to you?"



CONTEMPT OF COURT
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.  She charged that he had called her a pig.  The man was found guilty and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.  "Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."



HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
After two years of marriage, Tom was still questioning his wife about her lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many men have you been with?"

"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced his wife to tell him.

"Okay," she said, then started to count on her fingers, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."



SENILITY PRAYER
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.




ARMY MAN
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "Yours is."
ARMY MAN II
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun with an somewhat older, very stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.

"1956," was his immediate reply.

"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed. "Honey, you need to get out more."

"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered, glancing at his watch. "It's only 2014 now."



More Spiritual Wisdom from Kids
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.  The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.  If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.  "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.  "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.  The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."  "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"  "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

A wife invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"  "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.  "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.  The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.  For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother.  Then one night the child was ready to solo.  The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.  "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail"...

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.  Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.  It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.  "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.  "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.  With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.  Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.  Finally, his big sister had enough.  "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."  "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?  They're hushers."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.  He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."  His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.  On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."  "How did you know?" his mother asked.  "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.  "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself.  His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.  She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."  He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"

On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."  A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.  The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.  "What are you doing?" his mother asked.  "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.  "I'm looking for the seal."



Putting the Pieces Together
One morning, a young freshman called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over and help me.  I have this awesome jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?"  She replied, "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place.  She lets him in the door and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.  He studies the pieces for a moment, then he studies the box.

He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."



The New Job
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a three-man business.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."

"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant exclaimed.  "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."



HOLY SMOKE EMISSIONS
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.  Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.  After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.  It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.  "I'm blessing it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.  He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.


SALE LA VIE
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"



Haiku

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Japanese haiku poetry.  As you may already know, Haiku has 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.

   A file that big?
   It might be very useful.
   But now it is gone.

   The Web site you seek
   Can not be located but
   Countless more exist.

   Chaos reigns within.
   Reflect, repent, and reboot.
   Order shall return.

    ABORTED effort:
   Close all that you have worked on.
   You ask far too much.

   Windows NT crashed.
   I am the Blue Screen of Death.
   No one hears your screams.

   Yesterday it worked.
   Today it is not working.
   Windows is like that.

   First snow, then silence.
   This thousand dollar screen dies
   So beautifully.

   With searching comes loss
   And the presence of absence:
   "My Novel" not found.

   The Tao that is seen
   Is not the true Tao-until
   You bring fresh toner.

   Stay the patient course.
   Of little worth is your ire.
   The network is down.

   A crash reduces
   Your expensive computer
   To a simple stone.

   Three things are certain:
   Death, taxes, and lost data.
   Guess which has occurred.

   You step in the stream,
   But the water has moved on.
   This page is not here.

   Out of memory.
   We wish to hold the whole sky,
   But we never will.

   Having been erased,
   The document you're seeking
   Must now be retyped.

   Serious error.
   All shortcuts have disappeared.
   Screen. Mind. Both are blank.



The Surgeon's Driver
A cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient.  He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C.  He was also paid $50,000 to present his find.   He did a couple more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find than to work as a surgeon.  So he decides to do the lectures full-time.  He hires a driver and purchases a limousine.

One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about six months, his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely unfair."

"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.

"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that's more than I get paid in a year," says the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

"That's not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded.  I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart." says the driver.

"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you what.  You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right," says the surgeon.

The driver replies, "OK. You're on."

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats, and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat before sitting unobtrusively in the back of the room.  The driver then walks up to the podium and is flawless in giving the surgeon's presentation.  Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems.  The surgeon is very impressed.

Just when the driver thinks he's done, however, an audience member wearing a lab coat and tape-covered glasses stands up and asks the driver a very complex question that he is just not able to answer.

"You know..." replies the driver, "I have given this lecture a hundred times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it."



What's it worth to you?
Billy's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.

Polly told the insurance company, "Billy and I had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and we want our money."

The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute, Polly.  Insurance doesn't work quite like that.  We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then I'd like to cancel Billy's life insurance."



The Humble Rabbis
Two rabbis were praying.  They both prostrated themselves before the alter, touched their foreheads to the floor, and wailed, "Oh, Lord, before thee I am nothing!"  This went on and on.

A janitor in the back of the hall was inspired by their devotion, and dropping his mop he fell to the floor, prostrating himself and repeating, "Oh Lord, before thee I am nothing!"

One of the rabbis elbowed the other, gestured back towards the janitor, and smirked, "Look who thinks he's nothing!"



A Glossary of  English System conversions/units: Useful Metric Conversions:

MORE LIGHT BULB JOKES

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.

Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!

Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.

Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What are youse asking me for?  What am I, the Encyclopedia?  Look it up yourself!

Q: How many grunge rockers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two.  One to stand on the chair and stick his finger in the socket, the second to kick the chair out from under him.

Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.

Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, but the hard part is getting them inside the bulb.

Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!

Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... and one to change the bulb.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.



FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."



Constructive Criticism
Two young men were working on a house.  The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.  The other, somewhat curious, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away, Bubba?"

Bubba explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective.  If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

His friend became exasperated, and yelled, "You moron!  The nails pointed toward you aren't defective!  They're for the other side of the house!"


Handyisms
  1. If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
  2. If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, Quit while you're ahead"?
  3. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  4. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
  5. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
  6. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me-they were cramming for their finals.
  7. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use.  Toothpicks?
  8. Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post office?  What are we supposed to do, write to these men?
  9. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.


THE DRUNK
A man walks into the front door of a bar.  He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.  The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor.  The bartender offers to call a cab for him.  The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar.  He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.  The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab.  The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.  He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.  The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks.  He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"


NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science.  This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312.  These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.  Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.  According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.  In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.  This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration.  This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".  You'll know it when you see it.



Catholic Math
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in math.  His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers -- in short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face.  He didn't even kiss his mother hello.  Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.  Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed.

She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, at the end of the semester, little Tommy brought home his report card.  He quietly laid it on the table and went straight up to his room.  With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in Math.

She could no longer hold back her curiosity.  She went to his room and said:  "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, and said "NO."

"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?  Just what was it???"

Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign at the head of the room, I knew they weren't fooling around."



LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for speeding.

As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several machetes in the car.  "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.

"I'm a juggler," the man replied.  "I use those in my act."

"Well, show me," the officer demanded.

The juggler took out the machetes and started juggling them; first three, then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and amazing the officer.

Just then, another car passed by.  The driver did a double take, and said, "My God.  I've got to give up drinking!  Look at the test they're giving now."



HOW MUCH LONGER?
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not feeling well.  The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes comes back in.  The doctor says, "Lou, sit down.  I've got some bad news.  You don't have much time to live."

Lou is obviously upset about this, and asks, "How much longer do I have, Doc?"

The doctor replies, "Ten."

Lou says, "Ten what?  Weeks?  Months?  Years?"

The doctor then says, "Nine."



Language Barriers
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a bus stop where two locals are waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.

The two Aussies just stare at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries.  The two continue to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

No response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.  The first Aussie turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" says the other.  "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."



Bubba's been burnt
Bubba fell asleep while drinking beer, watching TV, and smoking.  His trailer caught fire, and it was so far out of town that by the time the volunteer fire department arrived, the trailer was little more than a smoking heap of ashes.  His body was recovered, but was very badly burnt.  The coroner, who was also the town's mortician, needed someone to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Rufus, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.  Daryl said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over,and Daryl said, "That ain't Bubba."  The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Rufus in to identify the body.  Rufus took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's been burnt real bad. Roll him over."  The mortician rolled him over and Rufus said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Rufus said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What!?  He had two assholes?," the mortician asked.

"Heck, everyone in town knows that! Every time we all went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"



I'M FINE
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.  In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.  I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted.  "Just answer the question.  Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine.  Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client.  I believe he is a fraud.  Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded.  "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.  I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.  However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.  I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came on the scene.  He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.  After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.  Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her.  How are you feeling?'"

A woman hears from her doctor that she has only half a year to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in South Dakota. The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?" The doctor replies, "No, but the half year will seem pretty long."


Only in Reno...
So I go downstairs to get a coke to drink with my lunch, which I generally eat at my desk, only to find a woman in front of me with a handful of change.  She puts 60 cents in the soda machine, and chooses Coke.  The Coke comes out and she says, "Hurray!"  Then she puts in another 60 cents and chooses Sprite, and it comes out.  She again says, "Hurray!"  Then she puts even more money in.

As you can imagine, I'm growing a little impatient, and I say as politely as I can manage, "Excuse me, but do you mind if I get my soda so I can get back to work?"

She looks back angrily at me, and snaps, "Not now, I'm winning!"



Bill Clinton and and Boris Yeltsin are taking a break from a long summit.  Boris says to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a big problem I don't know what to do about. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don't know which one."

"I have a similar problem, Boris," Clinton replies, "I'm stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."



UNION SHOP
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Reno, and decided to check out the nearby legal brothels (oops, I mean ranches).  When he drove to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?," he inquired.

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.  His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.

"That's more like it!," the shop steward exclaimed.

He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to an unattractive old woman in the corner, "... but Bertha here has seniority!"



A Primer on International Relations (Guaranteed to offend everybody)

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

  One month later, the following things have occurred:

HEAVEN AND HELL
One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died.  Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.  You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.  "Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.  What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven," said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..."

And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell.  The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course.  In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for her.  They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.

They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.  She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.  She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.  Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates, and she found St. Peter.  "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.  So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.  She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.  Now you must choose your eternity," he said.

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went back to Hell.  When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.  She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.  The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.  Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled.  "Yesterday we were recruiting you.  Today you're staff."


I have too many jokes to fit on a page. Go to Humor Page Two !

If you have a funny joke that you would like to share, send it to me (Elliott Parker) by e-mail.


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