Years ago, when e-mail was new and people were not so
spam, people used to send jokes by e-mail. I was advisor to
club, and I thought students would use the website I created if I put
on there for them. Every joke that made me laugh wound up on
website, and most are still there.
However, I am no longer their advisor nor their webmaster, so I have
put the jokes here -- so they are not deleted accidentally, and so I
add to them if I ever hear anything funny again. Here a links
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law
plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a
asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I
you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do
you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered..
I then said, “Is that your final
answer?” She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad
"Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a
table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat
alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many
and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the
tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and
slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you
believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?" And that's how the
y wife was hinting about what she
wanted for our
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0
to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
fter retiring, I went to the Social
Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.”
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me.” She then processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office. She said, “You should
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY
bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said, “'I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, which one ARE you then?”
That's how the fight started.
Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs
using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some
One student, however, wrote the following:
we need to know how the mass
of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls
are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look
at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these
religions and since people
do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls
go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate
than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster
than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by
Teresa during my Freshman
year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and
take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen
over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is
extinct ... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a
being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
Have you noticed that some people look like
Whenever your children are out of control,
you can take comfort
from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own
children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam
And the first
thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied.
"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.
"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey
Eve...we have forbidden
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God
replied, wondering why
He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes
God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment
was that Adam and
Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it
has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY...
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give
wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had
trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of
THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT HAVING KIDS:
You spend the first two years of their life teaching them
to walk and
Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own
Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually
word for word
what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to
there are children more awful than your own.
We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home
The LAPD, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to
they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of
investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they
burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no
The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with
a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm rabbit, I'm a
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
(Thanks to Frances Rogers)
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook
of your left arm
as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill
right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow
close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Gently force jaws open and push pill to
of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans; drink 1 beer
to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and mild soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
pill. Open another
beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave
showing. Gently force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
throat with an elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw
shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat
from across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet
rough about it if necessary. Hold head vertically and pour 2
of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive
you to the emergency
room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes
pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect the "mutant cat from
hell" and call
localpet shop to see if they have any really small hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap pill in bacon.
2. Toss in the air.
Item: At London's Heathrow Airport today,
an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was
trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a
and a graphical calculator. Authorities believe he is a
the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being charged with
weapons of math instruction.
first.... in the 21st Century
Abbott: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I
Costello: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den,
thinking of buying a computer.
Costello: No, the name is Lou.
Abbott: Your computer?
Costello: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Costello: I told you, my name is Lou.
Abbott: What about Windows?
Costello: Why? Does it get stuffy?
Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Costello: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the
Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and
Abbott: Software that runs on Windows?
Costello: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to
proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Abbott: I just did.
Costello: You just did what?
Abbott: Recommended something.
Costello: You recommended something?
Costello: For my office?
Costello: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
Costello: Yes, for my office.
Abbott: Office for Windows.
Costello: I already have an office and it already has
say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do
Costello: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots
But what program do I load?
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office.
Costello: The only word in office is office.
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: Which word in "office for windows?"
Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
Costello: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me
answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want
to watch a movie over the Internet?
Costello: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch
of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
Costello: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels
and four. Can I watch reel four?
Abbott: Of course.
Costello: Great! With what?
Costello: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to
movie. What do I do?
Abbott: You click the blue 1.
Costello: I click the blue one what?
Abbott: The blue 1.
Costello: Is that different from the blue W?
Abbott: Of course it is.. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W
Costello: What word?
Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.
Costello: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
Abbott: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
Costello: It is?
Abbott: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
Costello: And that word is the real one?
Abbott: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne
part of Office. Costello: Never mind; I don't want to get started with
that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so
on. What do you have to help me track my money?
Costello: That's right. What do you have?
Costello: I need money to track my money?
Abbott: No, not really.. It comes bundled with your computer.
Costello: What comes bundled with my computer?
Costello: Money comes bundled with my computer?
Abbott: Exactly. No extra charge.
Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no
How much money do I get?
Abbott: Just one copy.
Costello: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
Abbott: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies
Costello: Microsoft can license you to make money?
Abbott: Why not? They own it.
Costello: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money,
still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
Abbott: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years
Costello: Well, what do you sell in its place?
Costello: You sell money?
Abbott: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get
Costello: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a
Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
Abbott: Simply Accounting.
Costello: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
Abbott: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try
Costello: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
Abbott: Mind Your Own Business.
Costello: I beg your pardon?
Abbott: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
Costello: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home
You know--accounting? You do it with money.
Abbott: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you
Costello: More money?
Abbott: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
Costello: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about
the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?
And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
Costello: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I
to restore my data. What do you recommend?
Costello: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
Abbott: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said
Costello: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere?
I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?
Costello: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
Abbott: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for
Costello: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
Abbott: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up
Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
A lady came home to find her beloved parrot
on its back, motionless.
She quickly took it to the vet. The vet looked at the bird
The lady begged the vet to do something. So he went
into his back room
and brought out a Labrador Retriever. The dog smelled the parrot and
down at the vet's feet. "The dog says the parrot is dead,"
The lady begged some more, so the vet brought out a
cat. The cat sniffed
the parrot and walked away. "The cat says the parrot is dead," the vet
The lady gave in and asked how much she owed. The
vet said $225.
The lady complained that seemed awfully high to be
told her parrot was
dead. The vet agreed and said that telling her the parrot was dead was
$25. "But," he said, "the Lab Report and Cat Scan are $100 apiece."
is a new way to prepare your Thanksgiving or Christmas
1. Cut out aluminum foil in desired shapes.
2. Arrange the turkey in the roasting pan, position the foil
3. Roast according to your own recipes and serve.
4. Watch your guests' faces.
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the leadership
George: Great. Sum it up for me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of
George: I mean the fellow's name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new
leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too.
Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
U.S. TALK SHOW HOST COMEDIANS COMMENT ON THE WAR
"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it
Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation
they realized that spells 'OIL.'" Jay Leno
"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls
of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and
"According to the New York Times, Saddam
Hussein has mined all
his oil fields, planted bombs in all his major cities, he's got bombs
the military installations, in the airports, and he's mined all the
buildings. There's not much left for us to do, really." Jay Leno
"Good news for Iraq. There's a 50 percent chance
that President Bush
will confuse it with Iran." Craig Kilborn
"President Bush spent last night calling world
leaders to support the
war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is
'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." Craig Kilborn
"President Bush spent the day calling names he
couldn't pronounce in
countries he never knew existed." Jay Leno
"President Bush found out something this week.
Between the countries
of Camaroon, Chile, Angola and Syria, Angola plays the best music when
they put you on hold." Craig Kilborn
"As you all know we've just finished March Madness.
That's NCAA college
basketball tournament when they start with 64 teams and you whittle
down to just one, you know .. kind of like our allies." Jay Leno
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to
divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." Jay Leno
"Turkey has voted not to allow U.S. troops into
their country and Saddam
Hussein said 'You can do that?'" Jay Leno
"A lot of students around the country protested the
war today. The National
Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization
'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush said, 'Why do you want to
books on them?'" Jay Leno
"My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for the
weekend. So, I took
her down the street to the local Texaco." Jay Leno
"Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil
could reach as much
as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free." Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a
debate. The Butcher
of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." Jay Leno
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes
in democracy and
that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they
can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair
can't even get this in Florida." Jay Leno
"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has
challenged President Bush
to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English
is a second language to both of them." Jay Leno
"President Bush has said that he does not need
approval from the UN
to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval
of the American voters to become president, either." David Letterman
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if
Iraq gets rid of Saddam
Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies,
education ... anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally
up with a domestic agenda ... and it's for Iraq. Maybe we
that here if it works out." Jay Leno
"Secretary of State Colin Powell addressed the
United Nations Security
Council, offering a compelling 90-minute presentation that not only
his case but reminded the world why America is second to none in the
of PowerPoint." Jay Leno
"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam
because he hates America, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He IS
French !, people!!" Conan O'Brien
"This week the state of Texas executed its third
prison inmate. In fact,
they don't even have a last meal anymore, now it's a buffet." Jay Leno
"I read today that the president was interrupted 73
times by applause
and 75 times by really big words." Jay Leno
"This week officials from France, Russia and Germany
Bush of having a fondness for war. Yeah, when asked about it, a
for Bush said, 'It's a one syllable word, of course he's fond
it.'". Conan O'Brien
"If You're Happy And You Know It Clap Your
If we cannot find Osama, bomb
If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
If the terrorists are Saudi
And the bank takes back your Audi
And the TV shows are bawdy,
If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq.
And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
If the smoking gun ain't smokin'
We don't care, and we're not jokin'.
That Saddam will soon be croakin',
Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq.
From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
So to hell with the inspections;
Let's look tough for the elections,
Close your mind and take directions,
While the globe is slowly warming, bomb
Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
If the ozone hole is growing,
Some things we prefer not knowing.
(Though our ignorance is showing),
So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb
From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
Saying no would look like treason.
It's the Hussein hunting season.
Even if we have no reason,
At the opening plenary session of the WSSD
recently, delegations were asked: "Would you please give your honest
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The subsequent debate ended in a deadlock,
- The Africans did not know what "food"
- The Western Europeans did not know what "shortage"
- The Eastern Europeans did not know what "opinion"
- Delegates from the Middle East did not know what
- The South Americans did not know what "please"
- The Asians did not know what "honest"
- The United States did not know what "the rest
What is marketing??
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and
in bed." - That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
One of your friends approaches her, points at you says, "He's fantastic
in bed." - That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You approach her and
number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." -
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and
tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the
her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then
"By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." - That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up
you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed." - That's Brand Recognition!
A Missed Swing:
A couple went golfing one day at a
very exclusive course lined
with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned,
be careful when you drive. If we break a window on any of those
homes, it'll cost us a fortune to repair!"
Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right
window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband
"I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the
apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm
voice said, "come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage
that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the
asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see,
a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now
that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give
each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a
moment and blurted
out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No
said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll
you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the
genie asked. "I'd like
to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the
she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will
be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your
wish, genie?" "Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee,
honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She
it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right.
our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind." "But what about you,
I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they
spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After
three hours of nonstop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly
the wife's eyes. "How old are you and your husband"? "Why, we're both
she responded breathlessly.
"No way! Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe in genies?"
Alabama Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on
a persimmon tree
that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars
will rust out the quickest
when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. 1966 Ford Fairlane: B. 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle: C. 1964 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates
20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that
operates at 2700
rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per
acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14
How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in
the state vented a charge
of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed
of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers
with a Field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length
16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns a house south of
Poteau and 3.7 acres of land
in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can
of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton coal truck is
overloaded and proceeding 900 yards
down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes
Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, what are the
that it will strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
9. A coal mine operates a NFPA
Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous
Area. The Mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at
the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will
be smoked during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool
variability rate of 7.5% per generation,
how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate
breed a country western singer?
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they
that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat
problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a
that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any
including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over
The Russians used a pencil.
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church
hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying
copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all
The head monk says, "We have been copying from the
copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son."
So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the
the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been
for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the
young monk gets worried
and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head
the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong,
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The
word is celebrate."
I KNOW you've heard some of these before...
All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort
in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and
to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd
like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways
out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving
us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that,
as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt. And, if you
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and,
in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks the
overhead area. Please
place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting small
or adults acting like children.
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Delta airlines is pleased
to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake
City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight
attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please
in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis
left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular
flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited,
and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light
of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had
gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
Three sisters - aged 92, 94, and 96 - live in a
One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up
starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, "Was I going up or
down the stairs?"
The 92-year old is sitting at the kitchen table
having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.
She then yells up, "I'll come up and help both of
you as soon as I see
who's at the door"
THE WISDOM OF WILL ROGERS
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
'n putting' it back
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look
back every now and
then to make sure it's still there.
If you get to thinking you're a person of some
influence, try ordering
somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so
good he started
roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him ... The
When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguing with a woman.
Neither one works.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop digging.
Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a
person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it
over and put it
back in your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready
to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
There are three kinds of men. The ones that learn by
reading. The few
who learn by observation. The rest of them have to piss on the electric
fence for themselves.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first
to the stand in a trial - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes,
I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy.
And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat
on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their
You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to
you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he
the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was
a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a
problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he
cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him." The
attorney was also surprised and shocked.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to
silence and called
both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
"If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed
Bitter after being snubbed for
membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as
which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed
axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just
as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They
us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't
have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam
"This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany,
Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a
handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
THE AXIS PANDEMIC
International reaction to Bush's "Axis of Evil"
declaration was swift,
as within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical
chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of
Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of
Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not
So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the
desirable clubs filling
up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis
of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host
the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations
That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About
while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of
That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick. "That's not a threat,
just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister
While wondering if the other nations of the world
weren't perhaps making
fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he
rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in
"Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application.
from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel,
insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders
said that's only because no one asked them.
Inside every older person is a younger person -
the hell happened.
-- Cora Harvey Armstrong (via Anthony Chang)
A man takes a balloon ride at a local country
fierce wind suddenly kicks up, causing the balloon to violently leave
fair and carry its occupant out into the countryside. The man
no idea where he is, so he goes down to about 20 feet above the
He asks a passing stranger, "excuse me, sir, can you tell me where I
Eyeing the man in the balloon, the passerby says, "You are in
red balloon, 20 feet above the ground."
The balloon's unhappy occupant replies, "You must be
"How could you possibly know that?" asks the
"Because your answer is technically correct, but
and the fact is, I'm still lost!"
"Then you must be in management", said the passerby.
"That's right! How did you know?" asked
"You have such a good view from where you are and
yet you don't know
where you are and you don't know where you are going. The
you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now
problem is somehow my fault!"
a huge compilation of humor about economics! Here are some of
Three econometricians went out hunting, and came across a large
first econometrician fired, but missed, by a meter to the left. The
econometrician fired, but also missed, by a meter to the right. The
econometrician didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got
Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed
yelling across the street at each other from their apartment
"Of course, they will never come to agreement," stated the first
"And why is that?," inquired his companion. "Why, of course,
they are arguing from different premises."
An middle-aged economics professor is standing at the shallow
end of the
campus pool, and a female student of his is standing at the deep end
pictures, when she suddenly drops the camera into the pool.
motions for the professor to come to her. He walks over to
she asks him to retrieve the camera. Flattered, he agrees,
in and retrieve it. Upon returning, he says to her, "Why did
ask me to retrieve the camera, when there are a number of younger and
athletic males closer to you?" She replied, "Professor, you
to forget that I'm in your economics class; I don't know anyone who can
go down deeper, stay down longer, or come up drier than you."
Q: How many Chicago School economists does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: None. If the light bulb needed changing the market would
Q: How many mainstream economists does it take to change a
A: Two. One to assume the existence of a ladder and one to
Q: How many labor economists does it take to change a light
A: It depends on the wage rate.
Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a
A1: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to
A2: None. If it really needed changing, market
forces would have
caused it to happen.
A3: None. If the government would just leave it
alone, it would
screw itself in.
A4. None. There is no need to change the light
the conditions for illumination are already in place.
A5. None, because, look! It's getting
brighter! It's definitely
getting brighter !!!
A6. None; they're all waiting for the invisible hand to
An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking
about -- and
make you feel it's your fault.
of Economic Systems
that even an economist can understand...
You have two cows.
The lord of the manor lets you keep some of the milk.
IDEAL SOCIALISM: You
have two cows. The
government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much
milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC VERSION: You have
two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with
else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take
care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The
government pays you, but won't let you buy milk or eggs with your money
unless you have ration coupons.
You have two cows. The government
takes both, makes you take care of them, sells you the milk, and shoots
you if you don't cooperate.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your
neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You
have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
MAOIST VERSION: You have two cows.
The government launches a campaign to convince you to donate them
to make meat for workers in the city. Then the government decides that
people don't need cows to make milk. Quoting the correct phrases from
little red book, you and your neighbors try to create milk from sheer
Your local party leader reports that you have exceeded all
Your neighbors starve.
CAMBODIAN VERSION: You have two cows.
The government sends a teenager in a red bandana to shoot them, then he
You have two cows. The government
lets you keep them, but drafts you and your cows starve.
DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your
neighbors decide who gets the milk.
DEMOCRACY: You have two
cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
You have two cows. At first
the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk
Then it pays you not to milk them, takes both cows, shoots one, milks
other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
forms accounting for the missing cows.
You have two cows. Either you
sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You
sell one and buy a bull.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows,
and try to buy a bull. However, a bull would cost you two cows, and the
only conglomerate buying milk charges you to do so.
You have two giraffes. The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
versions of this were contributed by Joe
DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep
one and give one to your neighbor.
A REPUBLICAN: You
have two cows. Your neighbor
has none. So what?
A DEMOCRAT: You
have two cows. Your neighbor has
none. You feel guilty for being successful, so you vote people into
who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the
The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a
give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are
surprised when the cow drops dead.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and
twenty times the milk.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer
them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none
of which belongs to you. You charge others for storing them.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go
on strike because you want three cows.
CORPORATION: You have two cows but
you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn
you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You
stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
CORPORATION: You think you have two
cows, but you're not sure because you don't know what a cow looks like.
You take a siesta.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have
cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
CORPORATION: You have two cows. You
THE TRUTH ABOUT
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is
until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned
clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you
make major financial
decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet
will be when you take
a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why
your mutual funds tanked
during the last quarter.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest
quotes when you're supposed
to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in
theory, a person sells
stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever
theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in
"The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to wake
money on the stock market,
which is why your broker charges you one.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you
discover your stocks have
plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
A new set of
definitions for the market Some important financial
terms that were redefined in 2001.
Bull Market - A random market movement causing an
to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no
wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and
Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting
their pants as the Market
Broker -What my broker has made me.
"B'Buy" - A flight attendant making market
recommendations as you step
off the plane.
Standard & Poor - Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your
Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split
all your assets
equally between themselves.
Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his
wallet when he
runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.
Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.
Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it
disappears down the
Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor
sucker for $240
Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the
sucker that bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's
now locked up in a
Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.
Alan Greenspan - God
Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan
(As you may already know, Haiku
has 17 syllables: 5 syllables
in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third.)
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you're my cousin
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass
Hey, maybe I can get on
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No night crawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
I curse the rainbow
Emblazoned upon his hood
That damn Jeff Gordon
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'clock
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man
An old farmer was hauling a load of manure
when he was stopped
by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm
to have to give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away
"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered
the farmer. "Them
are circle flies."
The trooper angrily asked, "Are you calling me a
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just
can't fool them
IT'S GOOD TO BE A MAN,
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this
Same work... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours
without ever thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
The fact that you hate someone, doesn't preclude you from
sex with them.
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
become lifelong friends.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut
on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
in 45 minutes.
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a
got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.
broom was, of course, the bride broom. The other was the
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white
groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding
After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride
broom leaned over
and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little whisk
"IMPOSSIBLE!," said the groom broom. "WE
HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!
Charity towards all
A local charity office realized that it had never
a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least
you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give
the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and
replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the charity office's caller mumbled,
"--or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind
and confined to
The stricken caller began to stammer out an apology
but was interrupted,
"--or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the
voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
The humiliated caller, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea..."
The lawyer cut him off once again: "--and if I don't
give them a penny,
why should I give any to you?"
CONTEMPT OF COURT
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of
She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found
and fined. After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I
call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true. "Does this mean I
cannot call a
pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig
Mrs. Johnson with
no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said,
"Good afternoon, Mrs.
HONESTY IS THE BEST
After two years of marriage, Tom was still
wife about her lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," Tom asked for the thousandth time, "how many
you been with?"
"Baby, " she protested, "If I told you, you'd throw
Tom promised he wouldn't get angry, and convinced
his wife to tell him.
"Okay," she said, then started to count on her
fingers, "One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve,
God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving
down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant, as he
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing
keys, "Yours is."
ARMY MAN II
A sweet young thing thought she might have some fun
somewhat older, very stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so
she walked over and asked him when was the last time he had had sex.
"1956," was his immediate reply.
"No wonder you look so uptight!" she exclaimed.
"Honey, you need to
get out more."
"I'm not sure I understand you," he answered,
glancing at his watch.
"It's only 2014 now."
More Spiritual Wisdom
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin,
Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus
sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I
wait." Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan,
A father was at the beach with his children when his
ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a
lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy
moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
After the church service a little boy told the
pastor, "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the
replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the
preachers we've ever had."
A wife invited some people to dinner. At
the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say
hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her
said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's
several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the
Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother
pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail"...
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible
with fascination, and
looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly,
out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it
was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have
there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit!"
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother
Joel were sitting together
in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out
in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel
pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing
by the door? They're hushers."
A father was reading Bible stories to his young
son. He read,
"The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son
"What happened to the flea?"
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a
litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2
kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I
it's printed on the bottom."
Another three-year-old put his shoes on by
himself. His mother
noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot. She said,
your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a
brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!"
On the first day of school, about mid-morning, the
said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery
store and began
putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal
and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his
asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken"
explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Putting the Pieces
One morning, a young freshman called her boyfriend
"Please come over and help me. I have this awesome jigsaw
and I can't figure out how to start it."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it a puzzle of?" She
the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend figures that he's pretty good at
puzzles, so he heads
over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him
has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the
a moment, then he studies the box.
He then turns to her and says, "First, no matter
what I do, I'm not
going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like
the picture of that tiger."
"Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of
coffee, and put all
these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
The New Job
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered
ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very nervous man
ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But
I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But
I don't want to
have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money
off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much
does the job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young accountant
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
HOLY SMOKE EMISSIONS
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a
the street from each other. Since their schedules
decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase,
drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried
and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it,"
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back
inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of
the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
SALE LA VIE
It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale
and an advertisement
in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed
in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to
back amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was
punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the
end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the
at the end of the line:
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't
open the store!"
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful
error messages with Japanese haiku poetry. As you may already
Haiku has 17 syllables: 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second,
5 in the third.
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask far too much.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
The Surgeon's Driver
A cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure
would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause
trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he
it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid
present his find. He did a couple more of these
and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his find
than to work as a surgeon. So he decides to do the lectures
He hires a driver and purchases a limousine.
One day, after he'd been doing the lecture circuit for about
his driver turns to him and says, "You know... This is completely
"What do you mean?" asks the surgeon.
"Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this
lecture and that's
more than I get paid in a year," says the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very
and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
"That's not true. I can do your lecture
blindfolded. I have seen
you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart." says the
"Well if that's the case, I'll tell you
what. You do this lecture
and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right," says the surgeon.
The driver replies, "OK. You're on."
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon
and the driver
change coats, and the surgeon puts on the driver's hat before sitting
in the back of the room. The driver then walks up to the
is flawless in giving the surgeon's presentation. Not only
he also answers all the questions without any problems. The
is very impressed.
Just when the driver thinks he's done, however, an
audience member wearing
a lab coat and tape-covered glasses stands up and asks the driver a
complex question that he is just not able to answer.
"You know..." replies the driver, "I have given this
lecture a hundred
times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter
fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver
What's it worth to you?
Billy's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called
Polly told the insurance company, "Billy and I had that barn
for fifty thousand, and we want our money."
The agent replied, "Hold on just a minute,
Polly. Insurance doesn't
work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was
and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Polly replied, "Then
I'd like to cancel
Billy's life insurance."
The Humble Rabbis
Two rabbis were praying. They both
before the alter, touched their foreheads to the floor, and wailed,
Lord, before thee I am nothing!" This went on and on.
A janitor in the back of the hall was inspired by their
dropping his mop he fell to the floor, prostrating himself and
"Oh Lord, before thee I am nothing!"
One of the rabbis elbowed the other, gestured back
towards the janitor,
and smirked, "Look who thinks he's nothing!"
of English System conversions/units:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at
Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won Ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's
= 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling
1/2 large intestine = 1 semicolon
1000 aches = 1 megahertz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement =1
1/2 bath = 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles begins
with a single
step", the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
Useful Metric Conversions:
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 Unicycle
500 millionaires = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 Liter Hosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 million billion piccolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
MORE LIGHT BULB JOKES
Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many software people does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light
A: That's not funny!!!
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to
change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a
A: What are youse asking me for? What am I, the
Look it up yourself!
Q: How many grunge rockers does it take to change a
A: Two. One to stand on the chair and stick his
finger in the
socket, the second to kick the chair out from under him.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light
A: Two, but the hard part is getting them inside the bulb.
Q: How many football players does it take to change
a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for
Q: How many poets does it take to change a light
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle...
to change the bulb.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster
up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up,
I've just buried him."
The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a
Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then
replied, "That's because
he's still inside your stupid cat."
Two young men were working on a house. The
one who was
nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail
either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
curious, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away, Bubba?"
Bubba explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's
toward the house, then I nail it in!"
His friend became exasperated, and yelled, "You
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for
side of the house!"
If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
whole lot more
as they get older, then it dawned on me-they were cramming for their
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little
tiny spoons and
forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
Why do they put up pictures of criminals in the post
are we supposed to do, write to these men?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station.
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously
drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a
belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely
the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he
could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers
a cab for him. The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly
grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door
bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a
bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses
service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk
at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out
side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through
door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers
wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes
and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no
drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in
anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED
Investigators at a major research institute have
the heaviest element known to science. This startling new
has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad).
The new element has no protons or electrons, thus
atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant
75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass
312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it
comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute
of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to
when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a
of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons
places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will
over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably
become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of
promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is
whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This
quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass". You'll know
when you see it.
Little Tommy (who was Jewish) was doing very badly in
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
learning centers -- in short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down
him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very
on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and
were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.
His mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he was done
he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back
the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the
mother tried to understand
what made all the difference.
Finally, at the end of the semester, little Tommy
brought home his report
card. He quietly laid it on the table and went straight up to
room. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her
little Tommy got an A in Math.
She could no longer hold back her
curiosity. She went to his room
and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, and
"Well, then", she replied, "Was it the books, the
discipline, the structure,
the uniforms? Just what was it???"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the
first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign at the head of the room, I
knew they weren't fooling around."
LIFE IN THE FAST LANE
The car was pulled over by a highway patrolwoman for
As the officer was writing the ticket, she noticed several
in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously.
"I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use
those in my act."
"Well, show me," the officer demanded.
The juggler took out the machetes and started
juggling them; first three,
then more until he was tossing seven at one time, overhand, underhand,
behind the back, putting on a dazzling show in the breakdown lane and
Just then, another car passed by. The
driver did a double take,
and said, "My God. I've got to give up drinking!
Look at the
test they're giving now."
HOW MUCH LONGER?
Lou goes to the doctor's office complaining of not
well. The doctor runs some test on him and in a few minutes
back in. The doctor says, "Lou, sit down. I've got
news. You don't have much time to live."
Lou is obviously upset about this, and asks, "How much longer
do I have,
The doctor replies, "Ten."
Lou says, "Ten what? Weeks?
The doctor then says, "Nine."
A Swiss guy visiting Sydney, Australia, pulls up at a
where two locals are waiting.
"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks.
The two Aussies just stare at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he
tries. The two continue
"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"
The Swiss guy drives off, extremely
disgusted. The first Aussie
turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign
"Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four
languages, and it didn't
do him any good."
Bubba's been burnt
Bubba fell asleep while drinking beer, watching TV,
His trailer caught fire, and it was so far out of town that by the time
the volunteer fire department arrived, the trailer was little more than
a smoking heap of ashes. His body was recovered, but was very
burnt. The coroner, who was also the town's mortician, needed
to identify the body, so his two best friends, Daryl and Rufus, were
Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the
sheet. Daryl said,
"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." The mortician
him over,and Daryl said, "That ain't Bubba." The mortician
that was rather strange.
Then he brought Rufus in to identify the
body. Rufus took a look
at him and said, "Yup, he's been burnt real bad. Roll him
The mortician rolled him over and Rufus said, "Nope, it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Rufus said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."
"What!? He had two assholes?," the
"Heck, everyone in town knows that! Every time we all went to
folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes!'"
Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries
in an accident. In court, the company's fancy lawyer was
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what
I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the . . ."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer
"Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie
trailer and I was driving down the road . . ."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am
to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several
after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well,
as I was
saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer
was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer
ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown
other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to
I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident, a highway patrolman came
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot
between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road
gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to
How are you feeling?'"
A woman hears from her
doctor that she has only half a year
to live. The doctor advises her to marry an economist and to live in
Dakota. The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?" The doctor
"No, but the half year will seem pretty long."
Only in Reno...
So I go downstairs to get a coke to drink with my
I generally eat at my desk, only to find a woman in front of me with a
handful of change. She puts 60 cents in the soda machine, and
Coke. The Coke comes out and she says, "Hurray!"
Then she puts
in another 60 cents and chooses Sprite, and it comes out. She
says, "Hurray!" Then she puts even more money in.
As you can imagine, I'm growing a little impatient, and I say
as I can manage, "Excuse me, but do you mind if I get my soda so I can
get back to work?"
She looks back angrily at me, and snaps, "Not now,
Bill Clinton and and
Boris Yeltsin are taking a break from a
long summit. Boris says to Bill, "Bill, you know, I have a
I don't know what to do about. I have a hundred bodyguards and one of
is a traitor. I don't know which one."
"I have a similar problem, Boris," Clinton replies, "I'm stuck
a hundred economists I have to listen to all the time before any policy
decision, and only one tells the truth but it's never the same one."
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Reno,
to check out the nearby legal brothels (oops, I mean ranches).
When he drove to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls
get?," he inquired.
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man
stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop. His search
throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel where the
said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the
"That's more like it!," the shop steward exclaimed.
He looked around the room and pointed to a
stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame,
gesturing to an unattractive
old woman in the corner, "... but Bertha here has seniority!"
A Primer on
International Relations (Guaranteed to offend everybody)
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the
people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later, the following things have
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian
The two French men and the French woman are living happily
loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule as to when
with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek
woman is cleaning
and cooking for them.
The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them
to the English
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one
look at the
Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide, while the
American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true
nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about
necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores, how
last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer, and
her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the
who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South
and set up
a distillery. After the first few litres of coconut whisky they do not
remember if sex is in the picture, but they are satisfied that at least
the English are not getting any.
HEAVEN AND HELL
One day while walking down the street a highly
woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul
up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what
do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the
I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and
down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping
onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
was a country club and standing in front of her were all of her friends
and they were all dressed in fine evening wear and cheering for
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
They played an excellent round of golf and at night
went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner.
met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy and she had a great
telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time
she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand
good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went back up to the Pearly Gates, and
she found St. Peter.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she
next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and
She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a
day in heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity," he said.
The woman paused for a second and then replied,
"Well, I never
thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but
I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself
in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw
friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around
"I don't understand," stammered the woman,
"yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"Yesterday we were recruiting
you. Today you're staff."