A MODEST PROPOSAL FOR STUDENTS IN THE CLASSROOM
Bill Irwin
  1. Come on time. You disturb the professor, the students, and the flow of the class when you walk in late.
  2. Come to class prepared. Do the assigned reading.
  3. Enthusiasm is contagious. Profs respond and teach better to an alert, attentive, and interested class in just the way a band puts on a better show for an enthusiastic crowd.
  4. Be involved in class. Participate in class discussions and ask questions. If you have nothing to say, then show that you are interested and engaged by making eye contact with the professor. You would find it pretty boring if the prof never made eye contact with the class. In the same way, the prof will find you pretty boring, and assume you are not interested, if you never look up.
  5. The “too cool for school” posture is unacceptable and offensive. Never slouch, chat, glare at the clock, or yawn. You would not appreciate such posture if you were speaking at the front of the class. Think about it.
  6. Respect your classmates, and learn their names for class discussions. Never refer to “the fat guy in the Nike hat.” It’s not nice.
  7. When a fellow student speaks it is not an opportunity to “tune out,” take a break, or start a conversation. Respecting your classmates includes listening to their questions and comments.
  8. Never study for another exam or do work for another class. If you’re too busy to be in class, then don’t come. But by the way, you’re never that busy.
  9. Never close your books or rustle your papers to signal the end of class. This is like looking at your watch when someone is talking to you—pretty rude. The prof knows what time it is, and will let you know when the class is over.
  10. In fact, you might consider not even wearing a watch in class. Time flies when you’re not thinking about it.
OFFICE HOURS, ETC.
  1. Make use of office hours, and don’t hesitate to make an appointment if those times are not convenient for you.
  2. Keep in mind that profs do not just “kill time” in their offices between classes. Profs put a great deal of time into preparing for class and also pursue an active scholarly research agenda. Profs are there for students first and foremost, but respect their time and interests.
  3. Call your prof by name: Dr. Detroit, Professor Plum, Mr. Clean, Ms. Demeanor.
  4. Don’t wait until it’s “too late” to seek help. If you’re having trouble let the prof know and show you are concerned.
  5. Come to office hours with definite questions, concerns, or problems in mind. Don’t wait until you arrive to think about what you need help with.
  6. Never ask “Did I miss anything important in class the other day?” Of course you did.
  7. If you make an appointment, keep it. No one likes to be stood up.
  8. Don’t ask for extra credit. This is not your seventh grade science class; you cannot earn extra credit by making a volcano for the science fair. Just Work Extra Hard on the remaining assignments.
  9. When leaving a message for your prof make it brief and to the point—no long excuse stories or graphic details about projectile vomiting and other maladies. And leave your phone number, the prof doesn’t have it otherwise.
  10. Unless the prof instructs you otherwise, do not call to tell him/her that you will be missing class. You are an adult. If you are not in class, the prof assumes you had a good reason.
  11. Unless the prof makes a point of the giving the class his/her number, do not call him/her at home.
PAPERS AND EXAMS
  1. Hand in papers on time, and do not ask for extensions, except under the most extraordinary circumstances—for example your own impending death!
  2. Do not miss scheduled exams or quizzes except under the most extraordinary circumstances (see above). Do not expect a make up or any special accommodations if you do miss.
  3. Cheating on exams and quizzes is frowned upon.
  4. Warning: Do not plagiarize in any way. You will be caught, and you will fail.
  5. This is NOT KINDERGARTEN. Special plastic covers and pink ribbons on term papers are not necessary, and indeed are not appreciated. No cover pages, title pages, or other excess baggage either. Thank you.
  6. Staple your term paper once in the upper left corner. Never ask the prof for a stapler—this is about as appropriate as asking your spouse to move out of the way so you can look at another woman or man. Not a good idea.
  7. Do not ask if your paper is graded the day after you handed it in. You had a reasonable amount of time to write it, now give the prof a reasonable amount of time to grade it.
  8. Contrary to popular opinion, grading is not easy and profs do not take sadistic pleasure in it. It is the worst part of the job, and profs strive to be as fair as possible.
WHAT TO EXPECT FROM YOUR PROF
  1. Do expect courtesy, concern, interest, and promptness.
  2. Do not expect special treatment or accommodations.